Santa Claus, a personal tale.

I have never believed in Santa Claus. It was not done in our house by the time I came along. I remember at Grandma's house I got gifts marked as being from Santa Claus and I would say "who is this from?" Aunt Joann would say, "Santa Claus," I and I would say "No, who really?"

About four or five years ago around Christmas time I had a crisis. I had always hated Christmas. I always felt it to be too commercialized and too obligatory. Somebody else can fill out the Christmas hater's litany. I never thought much else about it. The crisis came when I was wrapping gifts a few days before Christmas. I was laying on the floor wrapping gifts and a particularly dark depression came over me. Understand that I have lived most of life depressed. I thought everyone was constantly imagining ways to kill themselves so ideations of suicide were nothing new, but I was thinking that I could just fall on those scissors just right and it would all be over. This time though, I scared myself so much I decided to seek help. I went to a great counselor who helped me work though this and many other issues. After 37 years I was no longer depressed. Life sure is better this way, trust me.

We can thank God that He never just leaves us to our own devices. I was blessed with a wonderful partner and wife who is affectionately referred to as the "Christmas Hound." If God hadn't sent her I would have just been a Christmas hater and remained depressed the rest of my life. Her desire to share such a wonderful thing with me kept the issue from being repressed. I now know the joy of contributing to Christmas rather than just carping about how stupid it is. (Alice Ann, I am truly sorry.)

What has this to do with Santa Claus? Some parents don't want to tell children about Santa Claus because when the child discovers that Santa isn't real, they might lose faith in God. There is also some reluctance to "lie" to children. I used to think all these things as well, but I have changed my mind. I think children should have some fantasy time before dealing with the "truth," my own life has convinced me.

In therapy it occurred to me that when a small child, I felt totally overwhelmed by the whole thing. With four older siblings and two parents, I could never compete with them in the giving dept. As an adult now, I understand that I didn't have to, but back then I still tried. Christmas always meant failure for me and became a source of great repressed anger. Unexpressed anger was the root of my depression, and anger at Christmas was a big part of it. Now I have learned the joy in helping to create Christmas, not just demanding that the world (by the world, I of course mean Alice Ann) provide it for me.

It occurs to me that a child is less likely to become an atheist than he is to miss an important time of learning about God's grace. That few years of just receiving may be good for us. Believing in Santa Claus gives us time to understand in a deep emotional way the Gift of the Incarnation. That understanding is needed before we can grow up enough to understand the Crucifixion.

I dunno, but that is my journey and I hoped you might like to share it.